...but i don't wanna rant

This might be the only available outlet for the masses of us- docile, disturbed, square pegs of people trying desperately to fit in the circular holes of normal society. I don't fit. I never did. I never will. I don't want to.
Today was a good day to lay in the hammock, smoke some cigarettes, and watch the tree limbs above sway in the spring breeze.
Lately its hard to focus-well.....its always been hard to focus, but lately I'm more aware of it-and unwilling to distract myself with petty proclivities such as television, daily chores, somewhat compelling novels, facebook,etc.
Jim Carroll just wanted to be pure. Johnny wanted Pony Boy Curtis to stay gold. Of me I'm not so sure. It feels late and I'm getting old.

The stars will remember

At night, it's hard to see the stars. The glow from the city and the streetlights put a damper on the sky that I'm staring deeply into, searching the milky blackness for something sacred, as our ancestors did. Looking within the vast expanse, trying to comprehend that the faint twinkling glow left its origin eons ago, and is just now reaching the atmosphere of my understanding. Within these moments, I am as small as the molecules and atoms that make up the mind which knows all too well that when my life has passed, the only monument to mark my time will be seen within the fading starlight, which left long ago.

Its been a while.....

How terribly droll of me to draw correlations between the ebb and flow of life and the changing of the seasons, but something about the time change and the falling of leaves makes it rather difficult not to notice or just simply feel as if I am in autumn in many different ways.
My grandfather thinks its February; lucky him.

I should be doing community service right now, but I'd rather sit on my ass at the coffee shop and write stuff. Last October, I picked up a misdeameanor battery charge and after a few days in jail and almost a year of legal manuvering, I got 64 hrs. of community service, a $300.00 fine, and court-ordered A.A. meetings that I was going to anyway. Bileah.
So, yeah, I've got a birthday on the ever-approaching horizon. Makes me think of Time- will there ever be enough? Probably not, but I believe it's more in how we spend it. I most likely will never quite be the person I think I should, and therein lies the secret of this thing called Life.

Fly down, Death

Every so often, I have a brush with my own mortality, ever reminding me that we are not long for this world. I was released from the hospital yesterday following a pair of diabetic seizures-really fun stuff. You see, in May of '08, I had my pancreas,spleen, and gallbladder removed as well as an islet cell transplant. This procedure was to combat a degenerative condition which I had severely aggravated by years of power drinking and drug abuse. In essence, my pancreas had begun to split apart and wrap around my small intestine, thus causing all nearby organs to swell and become inflamed. The veteran surgeon exclaimed that he had never seen the innards of someone in such poor shape, living or dead. It was a ten hour procedure, in which I died twice- once by bleeding out faster than the transfusion, and the second by breathing against the breathing tube after being put on life support. I awoke twice under anesthesia, the first time to the feeling of numerous fingers in my guts-which proved quite painful, and being completely strapped down-my only course of communication was to bang my head repeatedly against the gurney. The second time was as I begun breathing on my own towards the end of the surgery, and was slowly suffocating as my lungs expanded against the breathing tube.
Soooooooooo-that's why I am currently a diabetic.
Oh-and if you're wondering if I saw any bright lights or visions of heaven........sorry, in my experience, the afterlife was dark, cold, and lonely. I've read that such warm, fuzzy feelings are the result of chemicals that the brain releases at the moment of death to make the transition more acceptable, but I don't know. Maybe the next time around I'll have a light to walk into.

I'll be 32 in a few days, I have a few gray hairs in the beard, and have absolutely nothing to write about.

Ha!

these are " Times "
the " T " in sinister capital
do you think it laughable
that we may be a jokes' butt
that a horses' ass played upon us?